Accidentally showing my arsehole and lady bits to the nurses.

As bad luck would have it, the moment I started working in a hospital I was suddenly required to attend another for various cringe-inducing (but not life-threatening) procedures. My sympathy with the hysterical patients I occasionally encounter at work has gone through the roof since my unfortunate run-in with the Clementine Churchill Hospital.

I won’t go into the gory details, but I shall say I have an enormous (and unreasonably extreme) fear of general anaesthetic, catheters and cannulas; really anything that enters your body in an unnatural way. I know, I know, I’m a pussy. But it freaks me out.

After I’d made a total tit of myself in front of the poor anaesthetist (“Honestly madam, you really must calm down!”), I was wheeled back up to my room, operation completed, in a varying state of anaesthetic-driven confusion.

There it was. The cannula. Sticking out of my hand like the filthy intruder it was. I tried to focus on the television but Jeremy Kyle didn’t feel as funny as usual. I tried to take my mind off it with the hospital food – something you’d think would have worked a treat, considering I hadn’t been able to consume any food or water all day before my operation at 5pm – but no, eating with one hand just amplified the fact that the other was BEING MOLESTED, OH MY GOD, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET IT OUT!!!

After an eternity of putting up with the cannula (a good ten minutes), I put the nurse to work and tearfully insisted that she remove the evil trespasser from my vein immediately. She said something about it being vital and full of goodness and antibiotics and there was only one more fluid bag after thi- excuse me? Sorry, I must have misheard you, one more? There’s MORE?!

UTTER FREAK OUT COMMENCING.

I’m ashamed of the language that left my mouth and I did apologise later, but the nurse was not making it any easier. Perhaps she too was also uncomfortable with cannulas because she approached the whole situation like she’d never seen one before in her life. She tugged and pulled at it as though it wasn’t attached at all. My reaction, predictably, was to completely lose my shit in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible.

Cutting a six-minute, verbally-abusive story short, she got the little bastard out, but spilling at least half a pint of my blood in the process. That shit got EVERYWHERE; all over me, all over her, and all over my rather fetching surgery gown. The bed sheets, my call-the-nurse button, the floor. Everywhere.

The anaesthetic and the sudden stress collided in my bladder. Freed from the cannula and fluid bag, I hurried off to the toilet to compose myself, wearing only my backless surgery gown and not a stitch else. It’s embarrassing how hysterical I got over what is essentially a needle and a bag of water, but there you go, I did. I’m sure I’m not the first.

I sat on the loo and took a few deep breaths. Two, to be precise. The third made the entire room swirl madly (but not unpleasantly) out of control…

One minute or an entire lifetime later, I felt a cold surface against the side of my face and a cracking, throbbing ache across my forehead. My eyelids were lagging, but when they eventually dragged themselves open I realised that I had face-planted the bathroom floor.

Having not worn underwear or clothes except my surgery gown for most the day (doctor’s orders), I’d fainted OFF THE TOILET and smacked my face on the stone floor, leaving my bare arse suspended in the air behind me.

Put another way, I was giving the phrase ‘face down, ass up’ a whole new world of meaning.

I remember the cracking pain, I remember yelling for help unawares of the view I was presenting to the door, and I remember a nurse rushing in with the exclamation, “OH MY!”

I like to think she was intensely worried for my well-being and not just horrified by the unexpected sight of my upturned arsehole winking up at her.

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6 thoughts on “Accidentally showing my arsehole and lady bits to the nurses.

  1. Thank you for this Carla…. I read it in the dentist waiting room before going in for a tooth out!!! It made me laugh loads and relaxed me… and I thought of you as he was sticking in those great long anaesthetic needles !!! You ought to have a magazine column ! Love the pic…. mad!!

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